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Experiencing refusal, notably when it happens repeatedly, is anything but enjoyable. Someone is declining your work, delivering a clear “No.” Working in writing, I am no stranger to rejection. I started proposing story ideas five decades ago, just after finishing university. Since then, I have had two novels turned down, along with nonfiction proposals and numerous short stories. In the last two decades, specializing in op-eds, the denials have only increased. On average, I get a rejection every few days—adding up to in excess of 100 annually. In total, denials over my career number in the thousands. At this point, I could claim a master’s in rejection.

But, is this a woe-is-me outburst? Far from it. As, at last, at seven decades plus three, I have accepted being turned down.

How Have I Accomplished This?

A bit of background: At this point, just about each individual and their relatives has rejected me. I’ve never kept score my win-lose ratio—it would be quite demoralizing.

A case in point: recently, a publication turned down 20 submissions one after another before accepting one. A few years ago, no fewer than 50 publishing houses vetoed my book idea before someone gave the green light. Later on, 25 agents declined a project. An editor even asked that I send my work only once a month.

The Steps of Rejection

In my 20s, each denial stung. I took them personally. I believed my writing was being turned down, but who I am.

As soon as a manuscript was turned down, I would start the phases of denial:

• Initially, shock. What went wrong? Why would editors be overlook my skill?
• Second, refusal to accept. Maybe they rejected the mistake? It has to be an administrative error.
• Then, rejection of the rejection. What do they know? Who made you to hand down rulings on my efforts? You’re stupid and your publication is subpar. I reject your rejection.
• After that, anger at those who rejected me, followed by anger at myself. Why do I subject myself to this? Am I a masochist?
• Fifth, pleading (often mixed with false hope). How can I convince you to see me as a exceptional creator?
• Then, despair. I’m no good. Additionally, I’ll never be successful.

I experienced this through my 30s, 40s and 50s.

Great Company

Of course, I was in fine company. Tales of creators whose work was initially declined are numerous. The author of Moby-Dick. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. The writer of Dubliners. The novelist of Lolita. Joseph Heller’s Catch-22. Nearly each famous writer was initially spurned. Since they did overcome rejection, then possibly I could, too. The sports icon was cut from his high school basketball team. Most Presidents over the last 60 years had earlier failed in races. The actor-writer claims that his movie pitch and bid to star were rejected 1,500 times. “I take rejection as a wake-up call to rouse me and keep moving, not backing down,” he remarked.

The Seventh Stage

Then, as I reached my later years, I achieved the seventh stage of setback. Peace. Today, I better understand the multiple factors why someone says no. Firstly, an editor may have just published a like work, or be planning one in the pipeline, or be thinking about that idea for someone else.

Or, more discouragingly, my submission is of limited interest. Or the editor thinks I lack the credentials or reputation to be suitable. Or is no longer in the market for the work I am peddling. Or was too distracted and scanned my work hastily to see its quality.

Go ahead call it an awakening. Everything can be turned down, and for numerous reasons, and there is pretty much little you can do about it. Some explanations for denial are permanently beyond your control.

Your Responsibility

Some aspects are under your control. Admittedly, my ideas and work may occasionally be ill-conceived. They may not resonate and resonance, or the point I am struggling to articulate is not compelling enough. Or I’m being too similar. Maybe something about my grammar, particularly dashes, was annoying.

The point is that, in spite of all my years of exertion and setbacks, I have succeeded in being widely published. I’ve authored two books—the initial one when I was middle-aged, another, a autobiography, at retirement age—and more than numerous essays. Those pieces have featured in newspapers large and small, in local, national and global outlets. An early piece appeared when I was 26—and I have now submitted to that publication for 50 years.

However, no blockbusters, no author events at major stores, no spots on TV programs, no speeches, no prizes, no Pulitzers, no Nobel Prize, and no Presidential Medal. But I can better take no at my age, because my, admittedly modest accomplishments have cushioned the jolts of my frequent denials. I can choose to be reflective about it all today.

Valuable Setbacks

Setback can be helpful, but provided that you heed what it’s indicating. Or else, you will probably just keep interpreting no’s all wrong. What teachings have I acquired?

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